aHEAD IN THE GAME

My perfect world is BORING. {WARNING: very very niche reference loading…} Please tell me someone has seen the kids show “Imagination Movers” from Disney Juniors. For the uneducated, Uncle Knit Knott’s is boring as hell. He only wears beige, everything about him is the opposite of exciting. Everything is calculated and planned with him. I love it. I love him.

This was a very long winded and unnecessary way of saying my perfect world is predictable. It is stagnant, it is constant. In this world, I always know what decisions to make because I always know the outcome. Unfortunately, this is literally the opposite of reality. The only real constant of life is change.

Athletes are all too aware of this fact. Physically, we might change locations, switch teams, and uproot our lives. You hear stories about athletes falling asleep, waking up to find out that they were traded, essentially blowing up their normal lives on a whim. Think of Ashley Sanchez traded from Washington Spirit to NC Courage last year. Most athletes experience less extreme examples all the time. I can think of a thousand times I, or my friends, have had to change teams when we played club soccer. The same is true for the transition from club to college and college to professional. You forge relationships with the people and even the places around you; then, you are forced to leave. These physical changes are often accompanied by mental adjustments. Transitions require us to alter aspects of our mindset, adjust to a new normal. Mental changes can also happen independent of the more dramatic physical changes in sport. Simply wanting to improve requires a flexible mentality, one that embraces change, recognizes its inevitability, and allows you to adapt. So, shouldn’t we be used to it by now? If we are constantly changing physically and mentally in our sport. Why is it always so hard?

It’s fitting I write this on the anniversary of my first day in Poland, and the eve eve eve eve of the day I signed my first professional contract; that obviously marked a HUGE change in my life. I don’t think I grasped the gravity of it in the moment. I just plopped down in a new country and tried to adjust. I lacked familiarity and comfortability, even the soccer wasn’t the same. I had to adapt to a new team culture, new ideas, a new type of mentality. I pushed through, accepted my new role, and I can honestly say I grew as a player and a leader. After about 6 months it got easier; I made friends. I TRIED to learn the language (PS polish is hard). I started finding ways to spend my time off the field, exploring the city, meeting new people blah blah. I finally had a sense of belonging so much so that I stayed for another year. I got comfortable.

We have to be careful with that word… “comfortable.” We have to approach it with a sort of Goldilocks’ attitude. There’s a certain level that is justtt right; but, too much has negative effects. When I was in Gdansk every part of me wanted to stay for a third year. I even had good reasons. The team had its best finish in history. I was a captain. I was finally building a life blah blah. However, choosing to stay would have had nothing to do with the excuses I was feeding myself. Staying would’ve been safe, easy, predictable…comfortable. I would’ve sacrificed what I truly valued, my goal, the whole reason why I started playing professionally in the first place: to reach my potential and play the highest level of soccer that I can. By staying in Gdansk, I would’ve been putting that vision in jeopardy.

The whole cliché, “you have to get comfortable being uncomfortable,” is stupid but it’s true. The city wasn’t offering me the challenge I was seeking anymore. I knew that. I still didn’t want to leave. You know that meme where the dog is sitting in the burning room and says, “this is fine.” That’s me. That’s how much I crave comfortability and predictability. Now, Gdansk isn’t a burning building; the club will be more than fine without me. My point is, I couldn’t wait until I got burned, or until the choice was no longer mine. So, I left. For me, that is the most difficult thing about sports. Sometimes you must basically abandon absolutely everything, and sometimes everyone, to reach your goals.  

Truthfully, that last statement was probably a little dramatic in this instance. Afterall, I am staying in Poland. My new environment offers a lot of room for growth. However, I can recognize this potential, know that I made the best decision for my development, and still be nervous to say the least. It is a new team culture, new coaches, and new teammates. Pardon my language here, but I am SCARED SHITLESS. I am literally wrought with anxiety. Every day the same questions flood my brain, “does the team like me”, “am I playing well”, “does the coach like me”, “am I in the right place,” “am I doing the right thing?” Add in the fact that I don’t speak Polish. As you can imagine, there’s a lot of second guessing. There is a lot of confusion, and a lot of doubt that I even belong. I want to be as raw as possible here because I wish someone would’ve spoken to me candidly about what it’s like changing environments. But, it’s hard, man. This is a level of stress and uncertainty I’ve never felt before. I feel lost, stupid, and overwhelmed. Truthfully, this is NOT a reflection on my new team. It’s a natural response to replacing the known with the unknown. It’s normal and it will pass, but it doesn’t get easier overnight; it is a process, and it can be a long one.

In times of change, it is really easy to be swallowed up by uncertainty. It does seem like complete chaos. And that’s ok, because in a lot of ways that’s completely true. What I’m trying to avoid (SPOILER ALERT: I’m not succeeding) is spiraling and thinking everything is out of my control. There are still things that are totally up to me. There is still SOME consistency in all of it. The rules and order I so badly crave no longer come from my physical environment, which is definitely making my acute mental state a little tumultuous. Familiarity must now come from the goal I have set for myself and my commitment to that goal. In this way, my overall mentality and attitude remains pretty much unaffected. I find reassurance in training towards the same outcome, accepting that I might not know the exact journey, but my destination remains the same.

I am not, nor will I ever claim, to be a, “go with the flow” kind of girl. If I could plan out every aspect of my life from relationships, to my career, to my hobbies, I ABSOLUTELY would. I love guidelines and structure. Unfortunately, sports don’t work that way. Nothing is permanent; athletes are always looking to be better, to evolve. This brings periods of transition. We live in a gray area; maybe we aren’t 100% sure of what will happen next. What we can be sure of is that it’s NOT comfortable. I can admit that is scary. I mean there’s a reason I’m obsessed with Uncle Knit Knots. But, when we are in space with more unknowns than knowns, we set goals and cling to them. These become our life boats. When we feel like we’re drowning, eventually, even if the ride is unpleasant, they’ll lead us to safety.

In short, I guess I can no longer really claim to love predictability so much. Almost three years ago, I got on a plane and left my family and my friends. I left my language, and literally every single thing familiar to me to chase my potential and finally become the player everyone else always saw in me. And yeh, leaving Gdansk was hard too. But if I’ve done alllllll that before, I guess moving an extra 6 hours, with that same goal in mind, isn’t so bad after all ;).