aHEAD IN THE GAME

One of my assignments in undergrad was to read a sport psychology/coaching book. Being the forward thinking genius I am, I thought I should read something that would actually be helpful to me as an athlete.

So, as any good researcher does, I took my problem to Google. After hours of tediously searching “sports psychology book,” “best sports psych reads” and countless other super specific and educated entries. I happened upon a book by Tim Grover named Relentless: From Good to Great to Unstoppable. I expected a decent read, a 100 on my assignment (of course), and maybe a few new strategies for games and practices. What was rather unexpected was the crude depiction of success, raw anecdotes about events foreshadowing some of sports biggest moments, and the literal absence of formal sports psychology terms.

Needless to say, I absolutely loved it. From the organization of “chapters,” to Grover’s tone, to his overall candor, this book genuinely just made so much sense to me. For that reason, Relentless is a staple in my arsenal, and a resource I constantly turn to for clarity.

The overall structure of this book is one of the things I love most about it. We start with the description of three types of individuals: Coolers, Closers, and Cleaners. In Grover’s words, “Good. Great. Unstoppable.” Cleaners are the best of the best in their field. Basically, this is the guy that takes responsibility for everything. They are always hungry, and always pushing the limits. They never back down. “The Relentless 13,” are a list of qualities Grover insists make a Cleaner. It is these traits that become our table of contents, each having a corresponding chapter. However, these aren’t “chapters” in the traditional sense. Yes, there are similar ideals that flow into the next, but you don’t have to read one to understand the others. If you wanted to, you could jump around from chapter to chapter and the book would still make sense. This is by design; they were created so that they could be read independently. Relentless is full of anecdotes about Grover having to drop what he’s doing and travel to an athlete in need of his expertise. I kind of use this book in the same way. Whenever I’m fuckin up, or need a quick check in, I read whatever “chapter” corresponds to my issue. I imagine it’s like I’m Grover’s athlete and he just flew across the ocean to kick me in the ass.  Don’t get it mistaken, I totally recommend reading this book from cover to cover, (I have about 1000 times.) Sometimes, however, it’s nice to be able to pick out what I really need to hear and focus on that.

There’s a self-serving reason I love Relentless so much. It probably has to do with the blunt-ness laced with sarcasm sprinkled with an IDGAF attitude; it’s literally my exact writing style. There’s just something about this kind of delivery. He speaks as if you already know the information, and he’s a little annoyed he must remind you. That’s literally his whole point though. He talks about the instincts we already have, but we have to stop thinking, and just do. I have to admit this type of style could be an acquired taste. In some ways it’s slightly demeaning, but I prefer it. Often reading these types of self-help/motivational type of books they just serve as a reminder of how much work I still have to do. They make me feel like I’m soooo far from being the ideal athlete, like its unattainable. The way Grover writes it’s like “duh, this is what you have to do, but you literally already knew it. Lock in.” It feels like he’s just trying to awaken something athletes already possess, not reinvent them. He’s a coach; he’s not an author anymore. When we’re thinking of coaching in the traditional sense, the goal is to teach and inform. I think the trademark of truly teaching something is when the student can slightly adjust and adapt a concept to different situations. When reading Relentless the amount of “oh shit” moments was insane. Certain things just clicked for me, and I felt like I could directly apply everything to my own game.

My ability to directly and almost immediately implement Grover’s ideals to my own life speaks, not only to his tone and delivery, but his level of honesty. Like I said before, typical self-help books will have you trying to re-imagine yourself to be perfect. However, there is literally no such thing. Maybe, that’s on purpose, people who strive for the unattainable will keep buying more self-help books, I guess. Grover’s approach is a bit different. I feel like he leans into people vices, and imperfections at least that’s my interpretation of going to the “dark side.” To me, that’s the part of yourself you’re almost afraid to talk about, or that you try to fix the most. Instead of trying to beat it out of you, Grover urges us to embrace this aspect of ourselves. We all have habits that we aren’t proud of, or that we try to beat out of ourselves. Instead of wrestling with our conscience, we should be able to use this for our benefit. For me, I’m ridiculously extrinsically motivated. I know it’s not the most healthy or sustainable form of motivation, but it’s just how I’m wired. I’m done shaming myself for that. Embracing that side of me has been enlightening. It’s allowed me to adjust my goals and self-talk in a way that truly motivates me. However, there are disadvantages of everyone’s dark side, and I’m no exception. Grover even talks about this. He discusses how being a Cleaner might not be the “right way” to be but it is a way to be successful. In the last “chapter” Grover talks about how the quest to always be the best, and never be satisfied might not be the most “healthy” way to live. He says, “is it an ideal way to live? I don’t know.” He goes on to call this an “addiction.” Grover does not mince words when he describes the dark side and what it takes to consistently harness that motivation.

When it comes to being an athlete, we are always taught, “the more time and effort we put into our sport, the more successful we will be.” We can’t add hours in the day. Pouring more time into athletics means that you are spending less time on other things. Grover is candid about this. When we really decide to commit to our sports, we have to accept that we will have to make sacrifices in other aspects of our lives. As a professional athlete playing overseas, I can say that this is the first thing I always tell people. You have to give up A LOT of yourself for this lifestyle. In many ways, you literally put certain parts of your life on hold to pursue your dreams. Grover’s honesty about this was refreshing. He talks about how in becoming a Cleaner and truly dedicating yourself to your sport, success might not look like what you think. It’s all about what you are willing to sacrifice. Grover reminds us it’s all about priorities. He says, “you have to be committed to saying I’ll give up whatever I have to give up so I can do this, I don’t care what anyone thinks and if there are consequences…I’ll deal with them when I have to.”

Cleaners have a clear vision of what success is for them. Sometimes it doesn’t include a buzzing social life or tons of friends. These extracurriculars are great, but they are not necessarily essential for their version of “success.” As someone who has given up a lot for my sport, this was extremely validating. It let me know that the sacrifices I’ve made are normal and necessary to truly excel. Often, we hear, “you can have it all,” but you CAN’T. If you’re truly working at something you are undoubtedly missing out on something else. Grover insists it’s all about how far you are willing to go for what you want.

I don’t know if I’ve said it enough in this post, but this is my favorite sports psychology book to date. The organization, tone, and honesty are just a few of the major reasons why I’ve come back to it time and time again over the past 5 years. You know those days when you’re really craving a McDonald’s Sprite and then you get it, and it just hits different. Like it perfectly hits the back of your throat and kinda makes you tingle. Relentless hits like that for me, it’s my McDonald’s Sprite of books. I think it’s just the way everything Grover says makes sense. I don’t really know how to explain it other than to say he really understands athletes. There are so many times, even now, when I read a passage and think “omg yes I get that,” or “damn how the fuck does he know that?” That’s what sets this book apart. It doesn’t read like a textbook, it’s not a self-help book. He’s really able to speak to the competitor in us.