aHEAD IN THE GAME

I’ve been wanting to write a post like this for some time now. A post about what it’s like to struggle to perform. It seems fitting that I do it today, on the tail end one of the worst few weeks of practice I’ve had in my entire life. I’ll warn you, if you’re looking for some sort of self-help, “5 steps to getting out of a slump,” you’ve come to the completely wrong place, or at least you’ll have to wait a little bit until I get out of this one. (Honestly, if you’re looking for a cohesive thought this might not be your place either). This post is simply just a way for me to share how I feel when I play like absolute shit (pardon the language in this one) So please, allow me to wallow in self-pity just a little bit longer.

I wish growing up someone would’ve told me that despite your best efforts you won’t get better every day. We always hear, “the road to success isn’t linear.” Ok, then why do we only truly discuss when things are going well. We spend sooo much time focusing on improving, but that’s not always reality. It’s time for me to do what I do best… focus on the negatives. I cordially invite you to my pity party; it’s a stacked guest list featuring: self-deprecation, anxiety, poor performance, pressure, and doubt to name a few of the VIPs.

It would be rude of me to invite you to my party and not tell you the guest of honor, my slump. I consider a slump two weeks of poor performance and mentality in practices and games. As it relates to performance, it’s pretty clear, at least to me, when I’m lacking. This week, it has been characterized by slow speed of play and poor decision making. Mentally, when I get into slumps I feel “fragile.” I’ll start off ok; but, the second I make a mistake, no matter how small, I enter into a vicious cycle of self-loathing. Even when I’m at my best, mistakes bother me. I’ve been working hard to be able to lock back in, shake it off, and have “short term memory.” When I’m in a slump, I can’t shake it. Long after a performance is over, I’ll still think about what I did wrong. To make this negative thought cycle even more healthy, my “short term memory” transfers over to the positive actions I do too! Imagine going through your life constantly ruminating on every poor decision. Simultaneously, you’re forgetting anything good you’ve ever done, rendering you completely miserable. You’re incapable of doing the one thing that makes you happy, literally playing soccer, because that’s the biggest thing you keep messing up. That’s literally what I’ve been doing for the past two weeks; it’s been fun!

The absolute worst part about being in a slump isn’t the fact that I have been considering retirement for the past two weeks, or that I am concerned that I have been zapped of what little talent I had for this sport. No, the worst part is that in the midst of making an error, or playing too slow, or doing literally anything wrong, I know exactly what I’m doing. Not to mention, the pressure of knowing I’ve let everyone down and I HAVE to get it right the next time is almost debilitating. This past game I gave up 5 goals, (I say “I” because not only am I the captain, but I am a center back. Keeping the team together and stopping goals is literally why I am on the field). Each one of the goals I could tell you exactly what I did wrong and how that led to the breakdown. My speed of play was at a snail’s pace, my passes were too slow, I was playing square balls, I wasn’t checking my shoulders, my positioning as awful, my drop step was non-existent, I’m not closing the space when I’m 1v1 defending… the list goes on and on. To make it worse, during crucial situations I knew I wasn’t doing these things. Basically, I know I’m fucking up while fucking up. It feels like there’s nothing I can do about it. I try to switch things up, correct my errors, and put myself in better positions. Yet still, I fail again just in a new an interesting way. That’s the other thing about not playing well. You know what you’re capable of and you know other people know what you’re capable of. Coaches put you in situations that should highlight your abilities. To make a mess of these opportunities time and time again, you are letting down not only yourself but your team. That’s what is hardest for me. Knowing that I am not performing as the leader or the player I should be for my team. Disappointing my teammates, coaches, and fans who have grown accustomed to a higher level of play from me, it genuinely hurts. There’s nothing else to say other than it’s embarrassing.

I can’t live here, in this shame, for too long, I know that. The pity party for sure has a curfew. So yeh, it sucks to be aware of what I’m doing wrong, and to be aware of how I’m hurting the team. That’s the thing though, about being at this level, I’ve been playing for too long to not know what I’m doing wrong. This awareness is a good thing; possessing the willingness and knowledge to try something different is the only way to get through this string of bad performances. If I wasn’t aware of what I was doing wrong, then yeh I probably should quit. But that’s certainly not the case.

Truthfully, there could be 1000 reasons why I’m not performing my best. Could be due to physical issues like exhaustion after playing 90 minutes in almost every match this season, the weather’s effect on my body, or the fact that I’ve picked up a few knocks and bruises. Could be more mental too. My anxiety has been pretty bad lately, and admittedly I’m more stressed with upcoming changes in my life. Could be, probably is, a mixture of all these things. There’s so many excuses I could make, and a lot of them would be completely valid. The reality of being a professional athlete is juggling these factors while maintaining performance. It’s part of the job. In the same way that more traditional careers require you to deal with nagging clients or quick turnarounds on projects; this job requires me to sort through a myriad of physical and mental obstacles and still play at my best. Truthfully, though, I can’t do that every single day. I can try, but it’s just not possible, not all the time. Sometimes I’m going to mess up, and sometimes I’m going to mess up day after day for a while until I figure it out.

Honestly, I wish we talked about it more. Failing, I mean. But not just failing, also what happens when you fail over and over, day after day. I don’t know, whenever I read any of those motivational books or biographies of famous athletes, or even see those little tik tok videos. I feel like there’s always some snappy little quote. Like they package what it means to be successful in those cute little sayings like “Get 1% better every day.” I’m sorry but that’s bullshit to me. If you want boring ass, basic motivational quotes please refer to pinterest. Download the most aesthetically pleasing slogan, and make it your wallpaper. Go ahead. But, that doesn’t make it reality. Listen, I’m not judging you if those types of things are motivating for you; I literally have one tatted on my arm. All I’m saying is that I used to try to live by those kinds of adages and it was a great goal. But it’s not a realistic expectation. Some days, some weeks, some months you’re just going to suck. I really wish someone had told me that sooner, maybe I wouldn’t feel so much pressure to be perfect all the time, maybe I would be a little less haunted by a bad pass. It wasn’t until college that one of my assistant coaches let me in on a little secret, “you’re not always going to get better every practice.” (S/o Emily) It’s not like after that I gave up, and stopped pushing to get better. It just gave me the space to offer myself just a little grace. I still give 100% every single day, but some days that 100% looks different, some days it’s not good enough, but some days it is.

I hope that anyone reading my ramblings at this point isn’t looking for a happy ending. Truthfully, I’m still looking too. I didn’t really have an outline or a plan for this post; I wrote this to share candidly about what it feels like to not play well, and there’s no plan for that either I guess. I don’t know a for sure way to get out of this. I’m not really sure of anything right now, as I keep second-guessing every decision I make. These kinds of slumps they alter how you view yourself. Logically, I know I’m probably still a good player and a good captain, but I can promise you I don’t feel that. What I do know, is that I’m going to keep trying everything I can to change my mentality and put myself in positions to be successful. At the end of the day, you cannot be your best every day. Maybe quotes suggesting different are meant for generational talents. I’m not that, most of us aren’t, and that’s ok.  I’m in a slump, and that’s totally normal. Let me say it again. Not playing your best all the time, not being the best version of yourself all the time is completely normal. I’m repeating that for me as much as I am for you. So yeh, for a little bit I will feel like I have been wasting my time for the past 20 years, and I’ve made a grave error in career choices. I’ll throw my little pity party. That’s fine for now because I will keep trying to be the player and leader that I want to be.